Tag Archives: humor

No Tips… No Tipsy…

16 Sep

One of my Favorite People sent me that phrase via text last night as I was complaining of a slow evening at work… I think it’s hilarious. Fear not, my dear Other Favorite People, I came out okay by the end of the night. . . .

As usual, I digress.

I returned to my bartending job last night after nearly a full month off. Between being injured, a trip to Florida, and a closure, it had been a while.

I was, of course, a bit worried that I would have forgotten how to make a bourbon and coke or that all of my Dear Regulars had forgotten me, but I was excited to be back behind the bar and, I have to admit, more than ready to hear all the juicy gossip on events that had transpired in my absence.

I came in, said hello to everyone, got everything ready for my shift and darted over to the one lady who is ALWAYS THERE….

Her: How was your trip?
Me: Mostly Okay. I should have come home early.
Her: I understand that, I need another beer.
**Popping Bottle Cap**
Me: So… What did I miss!?!?!?
Her: Nothing.
Me: Seriously. I’ve been gone almost a month. I find that hard to believe.
Her: You know how it is, same old, same old.

I have to admit, I walked away disappointed, as I was eager to hear who did what to whom over the past several weeks.

A few hours later, another regular comes in, comments on the fact that I have been out of pocket, and orders a drink. She begins chatting with Ms. Always There. The subject turns to a new bartender who was hired in my absence and seems to have a reputation with these two… and then I hear….

Ms. Always There: Well, I don’t know how long she will last, but she did well in tips. Someone even brought her two live lobsters!
***I freeze in the middle of what I am doing and continue to listen***
Other Regular: Really!! That’s crazy!
Ms. Always There: And a cheese tray.
***At this point I run back over***
Me: Stop. Wait. Hold up. I come in 3 hours ago and ask you if I missed ANYTHING. You tell me no, and now you are discussing live lobsters as a tip and that didn’t occur to you as an oddity?
Ms. Always There: She REALLY likes lobster.

Do they really scream when you drop them in boiling water???

Hmmmmf.

If any of you come see me and would like to bring me steaks…

Just don’t bring a live cow, okay?

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Hey, phone company….

14 Sep

Dear phone company,

No, I do not have a dial tone on my land line.

No, I am not using that line.

Yes, it is an issue with all the phones in my house.

If i was calling from that line, I most certainly would not be calling to tell you I have
no phone service at the moment.

Also, thank you for having an automated service so that I can make two phone calls since
my internet is also on the fritz.

That is all,

Me.

repeat…repeat….re….

14 Sep

Most of you probably already know that I am a little bit neurotic and compulsive and weird.

I’d like to think that most of you also have a little bit of that going on as well. (If not, we’ll pretend, okay??)

As part of my attempt to battle a chest cold, I’ve spent several hours today at the computer, doing lots of important work watching music videos on YouTube, drinking Gatorade and TheraFlu, and reading emails.

I watched a few videos from the VMAs last night…. Let’s talk about Lady GaGa’s dress while I am thinking about it….

I really like the one on the far right... Although it took two men to get her out of her chair...

Of course, I’m digressing, and what I was really getting at is this…

There are some songs out there I can listen to REPEATEDLY. I mean over and over and over….. Here’s the first one:

Let’s hope that my YouTube posting works. I don’t know why, but I’m obsessed with Beyonce this week.

Then there’s this:

I love this band. I love this song. I love the bass line. I think the lyrics are really cute. This song will stick in your head for days. I love it. I’ve listened to it approximately 9 times while I have been writing.

Please tell me the rest of you do this too… the repetition thing?

my arm hurts.

24 Aug

This post is mostly for my Mom. I could have emailed her, but I am so impressed with my medically correct self-portrait that I am going to post it here.

About a week and a half ago, I tripped over a box that someone left out in an attempt to kill me on accident. I gracefully flew through the air, tried to catch myself on a wall and did something very strange and painful to my arm.

It still hurts.

Here’s a picture of where it hurts.

This is me. And the arrows are pointing to where my arm hurts.

I fear it may fall off.

What Not To Name Your Band…

25 Jul

I had a conversation on the way home from work tonight with two of my favorite people concerning band names.

I’m not going to lie. Unless I really really know you or I really really know your band, there is a very very good chance that I do not remember the name of your band unless it is really really original. Or funny.

If you want my opinion and you are naming a new band (and you probably don’t, but I am going to tell you anyway), Please avoid using the following words in your band name:

Hate

South/Southern

Death

Destruction

Die

Morbid

Fallen

Stab

Wound

Devil

Demon

Goat

Fallen

I think that’s it… Not that a great band name wouldn’t be Fallen Goat Stab Wound Southern Demon Destruction….

It’s just that I might accidentally call you Northern Flying Elephant People.

Of course, it’s also possible that I might get too animated and call you Money for Meanies, too.

I kid. Kinda.

Really, though, I like originality.

I also regularly change the words to metal songs from things like….

DEATH. DIE. DESTRUCTION. EVIL. BURNING. DEATH. DEATH. DEATH. DIE.

to….

RAINBOWS. PONIES. UNICORNS. PUPPIES. GLITTER. PINKIE SPARKLESHINE.

When this happens I usually have to remove myself from the pit/band/stage area because I have amused myself to the point of ridiculous laughter and that is never acceptable during things like death, dying, and stabbing.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me…..

i’m hardcore…

6 Jul

Or so they tell me.

Jilly Jill gave up early on us last night. And by early, I mean that she was back at the hotel and in bed by, oh, about 10 pm. I’m glad I’m not a day walker.

We got to go to the Dive Bar yesterday, which was spiffy because the bartender remembered us from last time and she’s fun. They had a live acoustic act there last night, and he wasn’t very good. Well, that’s rather rude. What I mean is that he definitely had a Texas Country style and voice without knowing he was Texas Country, which made for a rather awkward show.

So we left.

Kunuu and WG and I went to Blue Jean Blues just down the street. I love that place. I was probably born about 50 years too late. They also had the greatest pizza I have ever eaten. YUM.

We also went to the Elbo Room, because we seem to be drawn there. We had one beer and went to Blondie’s next door, which is also a fun place.

We were back on the beach sometime between 5 and 6 am, watching the sunrise while Kunuu napped in the sand.

He woke up when we buried him up to his knees in sand. . . . which I am sure was probably a pretty confusing way to wake up.

I love the beach in the morning; it is such a calming and peaceful place.

Ah… now it’s off to Primanti Brothers for one hell of a tasty sammich.

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