Itchy Like a Fish!!

15 Dec

I don’t have anything terribly exciting to talk about this week, really.

That’s a lie.

I have a few funny-ish things to share.

I have a dear friend who went into the hospital for some digestive issues that are apparently very painful. When I arrived to visit (since when can you visit hospital patients at 11 pm and have a sleepover!?!?!?) he was wandering outside the elevators on his floor in pajamas, dragging his IV pole thingy on wheels.

Me: HEY!!! How are you feeling?

Him: Better. Let’s get out of here!!! I need a cigarette!!!

Me: Um, yeah.. that’s probably a bad idea. Did you think about asking them if you can go outside and take a walk?

Him: They will say no.

Me: Did you already ask?

Him: No.

Me: Okay, well, let’s go to your room and ask and see what they say.

****Side note… At this point, I wasn’t aware that they had pumped him full of morphine, or that he had apparently announced to all the nurses that his friend was coming to stay over AND that said friend was, *gasp!* a GIRL!! They did bring in an awesomely big cot and blankets for me. Anyway, we went to the nurses station and after telling all of them that his friend Really Did Come Visit!, he asked if we could go for a walk, and amazingly, they said yes.

After we went to smoke 2 or 5 times… Watched TV with the sound muted so we could make up our own dialogue… Sent each other facebook messages from 3 feet away… and cracked jokes about the nurses….

The drugs wore off.

The nurse brought him a new shot of morphine, he was giggly for a bit, and I dozed off.

I woke up about 3 hours later to find him scratching like he had fleas, complaining about the bed and how uncomfortable it was, and acting generally exasperated with an ‘elderly’ nurse who I hadn’t even seen.

Apparently the good stuff had worn off again, so he calls the nurse and she comes in….

Him: I am starting to hurt again, but that morphine makes me itch.

Nurse: Well, I can certainly see if we can get you some benadryl.

Him: Is that going to make me sleep and stop itching and stop hurting?

Nurse: Well, it won’t make the pain go away, but it will help the itching AND probably make you sleepy.

Him: I don’t think I want that pain medication!! I’M ITCHY LIKE A FISH!!!!!

Me: Um, What!?!?!?!?

Nurse: ***blank stare***

Him: Itchy Like A Fish!!! Have you NEVER HEARD THAT!?!?!?

Me: No. Never. What are you talking about?

Him: Itchy! Like fish scales, I mean… well, hell… I can’t believe you have never heard that!!

Me: Um…

Nurse: I’ve never heard that either. Are you okay?

Him: Well…. Maybe not….

****I’d like some of what he’s having, please!


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